06 5 / 2011

Lily Allen
Damn, you are one rare bird. See what I did there Lily? I played on the double meaning of bird because I understand British slang. Pretty cool, right?  I hope you think that’s right clever, because I know it was.  To get straight to the point - I think you’re one badass young woman. It’s not that you’re a Riot Grrrl or anything, but you’re bad in that girl-next-door-with-famous-parents-turned-pop-star kind of way. I want to put my dick in your mouth for a number of reasons, and although your looks are one part of the equation, there’s more to it than just that. It may be the British thing, and the fact that you’re not all over our publications here in the USA, but whatever it is, you’re one the few pop stars who I feel is somewhat down to earth and truly having fun with their career.
Here, I’ll just list why I want your lips all over my dick:
1. You have 2 flower related first names (Lily Rose). I like that.
2. I’m a big fan of your music. You’re one of the main reasons I like any British pop at all and I appreciate how you mix things up stylistically.
3. You have an aversion to bras.
4. You built up your own reputation on the internet by releasing demos rather than being some out of the box pop-star.
5. You’re fit as shit.
6. You were kicked out of several schools for being a bad ass.
7. Your song “Fuck You” is about George W Bush. Well played.
8. You more or less do whatever you want. (I hope one of those things you want is my dick in your mouth!) 
9. You swear exactly where I want you to in your songs, and your lyrics are generally quite candid, dealing with things other pop stars shy away from.
10. You talk shit.
11. You have a Homer Simpson tattoo.
12. Third nipple?!?! THANK YOU!
So that about sums it up. I know that you’re engaged and trying to be a mum and all but you’d probably still take my dick in your mouth if you wanted to. So let’s make it happen.
My dick awaits your mouth,
The Goose
PS - Did you hear we got that Osama fucker?! Bonus points for Americans!

23 4 / 2011

Hey lady next to me at the bar. It’s that time of the night where I’ll take any mouth I can get. So, #WhenWillMyDickBeInYourMouth?!?! - The Goose

10 4 / 2011

Dear Ellen Page,
I want to hang out with you. I think that putting my dick in your mouth would also be a worthwhile venture, but I mostly just want to chill. You seem cool. You also seem like you wouldn’t remind me of how uncool I am all the time. Like if we were grabbing some lattes and someone asked you for your autograph, you’d be really nice to them, sign something, and then continue, “Whatever. Sorry about that. What were you saying The Goose? Oh yeah, I like Broken Social Scene too. They’re pretty good.” Then we’d talk about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, which I assume you saw since you know Michael Cera. Man, that’s a great movie, but you already know that. I bet you like the part where the vegan police show up. It’s pretty funny. Also, I have some comic books (graphic novels, really) that I want to lend you so you can read them and confirm that they’re good, even from a woman’s point of view.
And yeah, I could totally put my dick in your mouth, if you’re into it. I’d put my dick in your mouth in a way that says, “Oh hey, just stopping in for a second. Nothing crazy or messy. Just a reminder that I love you. I’ll be back soon. Ok. Bye.” I have no idea what kind of guys you’re into, but in a dream world, I would dress just like Arthur from Inception (I like vests and JGL) and be just as cute as Bleeker from Juno (I can play guitar a bit).
So yeah, let me know if you want to hang out and have me put my dick in your mouth for a little bit. I have a decent DVD collection and I can stream movies from Amazon for free, so that’s cool. My buddy’s band has a show in NYC in two weeks so if you’re around then - that would be fun, you might like them.
Touch my dick to your cheek,
The Goose

23 3 / 2011

Jenna Fischer
I’ve been asking for years Jenna, and yet you never come around.  Friggin’ let me put my dick in your mouth for crying out loud!  I was head over heels for Pam Beasly when The Office came out, to the point that it made my girlfriend jealous (it’s ok though, because she loved Jim). I watched the first few seasons obsessively, but I had stop once I realized Pam and Jim  were going to be together for the long haul. It was just too much to bear.
In the meantime, the real Jenna Fischer began to far out-shadow the endearingly awkward secretary you portrayed on television. I have a copy of your independent movie Lollilove, which I think is great. How many people do you know who own that movie??? Well, you probably know quite a few, since you co-wrote, directed, and starred in it, but you get my point. That’s dedication!
Your jump to film hasn’t been celebrated enough and I’ve written Hollywood several times asking them to put you in more movies, but it doesn’t seem to be picking up as quickly as I’d hoped. Oh well, it’s worth the effort. You’re worth the effort.
On the serious, I just think you’re beautiful and very funny. I think that if we met, you’d be impressed by how much I like you without having a good reason too. It’s difficult to even qualify exactly why I like you - and that’s how I know it’s love. It’s inexplicable.
So do me a favor and divorce your second husband and run away with me to some place where I can put my dick in your mouth.
Raised eyebrows and a look to the right,
The Goose

15 3 / 2011

If there’s one girl in the wide world I wish to lay and tarry with in a hammock on a warm Spring day under a tall willow while listening to children laugh in the nearby croft, it’s the endlessly endearing Ms. Emma Watson. Flowery language aside, Emma Watson is an absolute beauty. I said it: Beauty. If ever I thought to describe her as merely cute or adorable, I was proven that such words were inadequate when the photos for her new People Tree clothing line were released to the world only weeks ago.  Being some four and a half years older than Ms. Watson, I never quite considered her mouth a viable option for putting my dick in. Aside from the potential legal issues presented by her age, she just never appeared to me to be anything other than a young, messy haired witch.  She was seemingly forever trapped in the character of Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter film series. Maybe it’s the short hair or the upcoming Spring fashion she’s sporting, but I think she’s stepped into adulthood with style and grace while avoiding the typical pratfalls of so many young celebrities.  This makes her mouth far and away more dick-put-in-able than the majority of stars entering adulthood today. Unlike, let’s say Miley Cyrus, Emma Watson is actually talented; she’s beautiful; she’s smart (Brown); and she’s British. I mean, with that British accent…she’s practically as irresistible as…a guy with a British accent. Who are we kidding? Charm and captivation know no gender lines. I fear though that in the end, Ms. Watson would in fact break my heart. She has too much ahead of her, she’s too beautiful, and let’s face it, she just too damn good for me. Oh well…so what if we’ll never make it to that hammock? It doesn’t mean I can’t put my dick in her mouth.
“Love sought is good, but given unsought is better”
The Goose
(Reducio boner)

01 1 / 2009